I remember crying on the toilet one morning hoping to see some bloody mess that would tell me things were starting, I was crying “just get out of me!” I had become obsessed.
My daughter just had her fifth birthday and it made me reflect on her labour and birth. She was my second pregnancy and things were going well. My blood pressure was great and no gestational diabetes. However, I could tell that she was going to be a big baby. My first baby was small only 6.1 lbs, and he was a vaginal delivery – with only minor hiccups. Our son was a city baby delivered at a tertiary care centre 5 minutes down the road, by our family doctor at the time. Our daughter was a rural baby, which posed its’ own unique challenges. First of which was prenatal care, none at that time was done in our town, we had to drive to a larger city 1.5 hours away for each appointment, come rain, sleet or snow (and it did come).
We decided to go with a group of midwifes for our care as we wanted to try something different, and I support that “style” of maternal care. It was great in the beginning; longer appointments, and they were excellent at including the whole family in the visit. They recommended the same tests, and medically the care was identical to that of my first pregnancy with a doctor. Near the end though things changed.
I remember with my first pregnancy, my doctor made comment that she wouldn’t have me go to my due date. I am small in stature and have a small pelvis. At the time I didn’t think much about it and my son came a week and half early so it wasn’t an issue.
I recalled this conversation one day when I was walking, or more like waddling our neighbourhood in the ice and snow, hoping I would slip and my baby would fall out. It was week 40 and no labour. I was huge, and I was actually starting to go crazy. Honestly, she felt like she was stuck. I had pain deep in my pelvis that I didn’t have in my first pregnancy. I gain 2.2 lbs in my last week of pregnancy and none of that was me, it was all baby! I started to read about prodromal labour in which a woman will start to go into labour, begin to have some contractions, and then it will stop. Usually because the baby can’t move down enough to put pressure on the cervix and start the process. Typically, due to mal-positioning of the baby or shoulder dystocia. I figured that she was in the “wrong” position and I was doing the weirdest shit to move her around. I found a site about moving your baby with safe exercises; I had myself inverted, sideways, and I would get my husband to shake my belly with a scarf. Whatever, I could do, I did it. I also joked at the end of my pregnancy I was eating spicing foods, drinking rosehip tea and having sex, all at the same time to get her out.
I would go to my appointments and ask, “are we sure she will come out vaginally?” “I feel like she is stuck”. “Oh of course she will, you’re not diabetic and she’s not gestational large for her age”,” it’s all good”, would be the response what I would get. Now being a nurse, I didn’t buy it. And still five years later I deal with the guilt of not having stood firm in my cause. I would meekly reply “yah, I guess your right”. No, they weren’t right, and I knew that because I am a critical thinker. But because I was a hot mess and incapacitated by the mammoth baby, I could not articulate my concerns.
As nurses we see a lot of advocacy from family members to other health care providers etc., and our role is also one of advocate. What does that mean? Well, it means we speak for those who can’t, we are champions of our patients’ ways of knowing and their lived experience and we have the duty to share those experiences.
Our daughter made it out via an emergency c-section due to her been 8.8 lbs and shoulder dystocia. And my husband and I are forever grateful for the care we received but I learnt a valuable lesson that day. When my voice as a mother should have been the strongest it was weak. Because I relied too much on others’ expertise and negated my own. If me as a nurse, struggles time-to-time with advocacy than I am certain other mothers too must be struggling.
With time I have accepted what happened during my daughter’s birth and reflection is powerful tool to move forward and with it comes great wisdom…………………
So, for all the mommies out there my four tips to help you be the best mommy advocate:
- Choose your cause and use your voice – not all causes need to be championed, but all causes need a strong voice. It’s easy as mother to find issues we are passionate about for our children, so use your voice as a tool to support them.
- Get your facts straight – sometimes you need to research what your cause involves and why you support it. There are plenty of internet resources on every problem concern or interest. Just use be critical when your reading someone else’s opinion and you will find some truth.
- Find you allies – with the above example I had an ally, my husband. But he too was caught up in the expert vs. the patient phenomenon. But I still had him in my corner, so that when we were making those big decisions we were on the same page.
- Stand Firm – this is can be the most difficult. I am not a stubborn person, so if someone’s retort is reasonable it can be challenging for me to stand firm. But I will let you in on a little secret, in medicine, we don’t have all the answers and usually we know less before we know more. So, I wouldn’t take anything we do or say as gospel. And if that’s true for medicine then I bet it’s true for every other aspect of our life and our children’s life. Stand firm in your cause and trust your mommy gut.
Now you don’t have to be a mom or a nurse to follow the above tips. And in our current global political environment we need all the advocacy we can get. So, no matter the cause, use these tips to improve your ability to advocate.
MA.
PS: Pretty sure my daughter is going to freak when she hears that I referred to her as a mammoth baby. #sorrynotsorry
