I walked into a patient’s room one early morning and he called out to me “Jane? Jane? Is that you”? I walked over to his bedside and I am not sure what he was seeing but it clearly wasn’t me. He looked deep into my eyes and gasped, “Jane it is you? My god your beautiful”. Then he took his last breath and died. He was palliative so this was expected but the experience was unnerving. Who was Jane?
I would later learn that Jane was his wife of 60 years who had died a few months earlier and that night he had seen her, well me, but to him it was his beautiful wife. True love always gets to me, and as a nurse I am privy to many tender moments between couples and it’s a beautiful thing. I can only hope that when that day comes, I called out for my husband and have solace in his memory. Valentines days is near, and it’s got me thinking about my love story, albeit a bit more modern than my patient and Jane.
Our story started 19 years ago. I was working at a golf course in the clubhouse and my husband worked on the grounds. We would meet on the ninth green and make-out and well as the cliché goes, the rest is history. I was drawn to his unique perspective on life, his laid-back outlook, and his deep dark eyes. We connected easily and he respected me and valued my goals for the future. Naturally we talked about having a family and what that would look like. We gravitated to me being a working mom and him staying at home with our children – because like hello it’s the future! He made me feel powerful and gave me the confidence to be authentic, and to this very day, I know he has my back.
Many years later, by chance, after having our first child, my husband lost his job. I was working casual at a tertiary hospital in an urban city. I didn’t have benefits and although casual work was plentiful, the lack of formal stability was uncomfortable for me and I wanted more for my family. Just as luck would have it, there was a job opening in the same small community where my husband grew-up. We had sworn years before that we would never leave the city, but life is funny, and desperation can make you do things you vowed you would never do. So, we packed up and move to the boonies. I got that job, full-time with benefits, we had won the lottery in our eyes. Moving to a rural community has afforded my family the luxury of having one partner home full-time, and one working. We finally could afford to buy a home and quickly expanded our family.
I love the irony of being the “bread-winner” while doing most stereotypical female job – nursing. I have always thought of myself as a feminist and I made dam sure I married one too. To us it is a perfect fit, however, even in 2019 we are still met with perceptions of patriarchy and narrow mindedness.
I remember telling an elderly lady I was caring for at work, that my husband stays home with our kids, she looked at me and said, “oh dear, is he retarded”? I kid you not, she used the “R” word, she believed that would have to be the reason a man would stay at home. I know it was harmless and a product of her generation, but it made me think. Is that what we think of people who stay-at-home? It’s easy, a default, for those who lack the capability to join the work-force? Well, the opposite is true, those who stay home to raise their kids are the heroes and do the important work. I may go to work in an Emergency Department, but my hubby is the one with the difficult job.
It’s not easy to be a stay-at-home dad, and for the relationship it can be challenging to navigate the unique dynamic we have. But it works and as more women focus on their career and are making enough money to sustain a household, I encourage families to give it a try. Here are a few tips that we have found to help make this work.
- Have Vegas Rules: what happens at home with dad stays at home with dad. Naturally my husband does things quite differently then I would, and when we first started on this journey, I tried to micro manage what he did with the kids. “Didn’t you bath him? What! You fed the kids pizza for lunch and dinner? Hey, read this article on how to discipline because your way isn’t working”. Inevitably resentment and fighting ensued. He felt undervalued and undermined. I felt a loss of control. And really, my issues with how he parented wasn’t how he did it, it was my own insecurities that I wasn’t home with the kids and I was holding on to any form of control. Eventually, I learned to let it be. I stopped spouting off my opinion or telling him what I would have done. I leave the parenting to him, when he is with the kids, so he can navigate the challenges in his own way. As soon as I let go of that control, he became a better dad and I became and a better wife, I allowed him the capacity to father.
- Daddy Must do the Dirty Work Too: guess what, not only does my husband raise our kids, he cooks, he cleans, and he does all the shopping. That’s right, he does it ALL. He is kind of like a 50’s house wife without the apron and valium. I come home and get to be mom, not housewife and that is a great thing. It also frees up days off to be spent enjoying time together not catching up on house work. However, to reiterate, the laundry may be done in some weird way, and I laugh when my hubby brings our daughter to my work for a visit, because she looks like an orphan. But that’s ok, remember Vegas rules.
- Do the One Thing: there is always one thing that we don’t enjoying doing as parents, for my husband it’s doing the bedtime routine. So even after working 12 hours I will come home, read the stories, brush the teeth, and scratch the backs. It works because it gives me a chance to unwind, spend time with my kids, and it gives him a break. I appreciate his all his hard work and he deserves some downtime after spending 12 hours with two little freaks.
- Don’t feel Guilty: this goes for both parties. I have been a working mom for eight years, and yet I still feel guilty. I feel guilt about not being home and I feel guilty that I get to leave. Guilt is not a nice feeling, but it is a good reminder that being able to continue your passion is a privilege and so is getting to be home with your children. What better investment than your own family. So, when I feel like I am a horrible mother and in those moments when I wish I could be home, I remember the privilege that my husband has afforded me, and I work on turning that guilt into appreciation.
- Maintain the Connection: it’s easy with the day-to-to routine to get caught up in the kids and work and forget to connect with your spouse. And often our spouse gets the brunt of our trying working day or challenging parenting moments. So, when we get that rare opportunity to have a night away from the kids, we go to town. We literally party like we are 19 again, we go to a concert, stay up late, eat crap for dinner, and have loud hotel room sex. This all lends to keeping a connection, by reminding yourselves why you got together in the first place. Perhaps not the most physically restorative way to unwind but it’s our thing, and as a couple find that “thing” that connects you and make time to do it.
These tips make this modern love affair work and not only do we both feel fulfilled with our roles; our kids are excelling at life. They are secure and happy and that is worth all the difficulties that come. We each do our thing to make our family grow and thrive, we support each other and don’t care if people think it’s controversial or too modern. My hubby is not a “real-man” because he doesn’t “work”, and I get treated like I am not a “real-mom”, because I am not home. Truth is parenting is teamwork and however you divide the work is your choice and all the power to you!
